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Tour de farce awaiting Bucs in London

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By MARTIN FENNELLY | The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 22, 2009

Updated: 10/22/2009 12:23 am

Not to worry, it's a home game.

Nobody goes into Wembley Stadium and beats the Bucs.

Tell the Patriots.

Pay no attention to New England coach Bill Belichick, who was either being very kind or was drugged with horse sedatives before he was asked about the Bucs on a Wednesday conference call.

"The Bucs can hurt you in a lot of ways," Belichick said. "They're explosive and they're dangerous. ... I hope we're able to be competitive against them."

Then the alien popped out of his chest ...

Make no mistake: The Patriots are the Beatles and the Bucs are an army of Pete Bests. The Patriots are crown jewels, the Bucs are cubic zirconia. Here's how their weeks shape up:

Patriots arrive at Heathrow Airport, greeted by Prince Charles, a detachment of the Royal Guard and The Academy of St. Martin in the Fields Chamber Orchestra.

Home team arrives. Bus guy holds up handwritten "Bucs" sign at baggage belt. Bags not on belt, go to Prague instead. Screaming groupies swarm lead bus in mistaken belief that Ed Glazer is on board.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady enjoys tea and scones with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. Bucs try sightseeing on double-decker buses, told only single-deckers available. Bucs coach Raheem Morris orders fish and chips - gets shorted on the chips.

Patriots jam with Stones at Royal Albert Hall. Bucs defensive line visits Abbey Road Studios, play old Beatles album backward, hear words "Gaines is dead."

Brady statue unveiled in Trafalgar Square. Several Bucs crash Her Majesty's Ball, leave after Antonio Bryant complains about not getting Ball.

Three words: Sir Bill Belichick.

Randy Moss goes trap shooting with princes William and Harry at Balmoral, the royal retreat. Michael Clayton spotted looking up at the hands on Big Ben, asking passers-by how many drops Ben has this season. J.K. Rowling announces another Harry Potter book "with a Wes Welker theme."

Bucs invited to 11 Downing Street.

Patriots go on late-night walking horror tour of London, see ghost of Jack the Ripper. Bucs go on cheaper tour, see spirit of Leeman Bennett. Morris visits British Museum, distressed upon learning Henry VIII had six wives, not quarterbacks.

Patriots practice attended by entire Parliament, whose members again thank Brady and Belichick for their addresses. Manchester United soccer team visits Bucs practice. Morris sees Man U to gate, comes back, finds Glazers organizing offense in 4-3-4 formation.

Patriots receive private tour of Tower of London. Bucs wait in line two hours, don't see scariest torture exhibit, featuring rack, ax used on Anne Boleyn, game film of Tampa Bay run defense.

Brady and Spice Girls hit clubs; Bucs travel to Stonehenge, turned away by Stonehenge security guard who says "Stonehenge, she all closed up," winks and high-fives other security guard as Bucs drive off.

Belichick in Shakespeare production at Stratford-upon-Avon; Bucs attend a play at The Old Vic. Jeremy Trueblood moves before play, Bucs penalized 5 yards.

Bucs visit Madame Tussauds. Josh Johnson and Josh Freeman pose with Brady wax figure. Glazers spend whole time standing with Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan likenesses. During impromptu flag football game in St. James's Park, Brady tells Queen to go deep. Queen beats Sabby Piscitelli, takes it to the House of Windsor.

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