TBO.com - TBO is Tampa Bay Online

Good parents know: There's a lot at stake Saturday

Staff file photo

As any kid will tell you, Halloween is about candy and scoring as much of it as humanly possible. I've devised a few strategies.

ADVERTISEMENT

By MIKE WINTER | The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 26, 2009

As hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who view Halloween as nothing more than an excuse to dress in costumes, hang out for a few hours with friends and drink punch from a bowl bubbling dry-ice smoke.

These people, known collectively as "adults," have clearly forgotten the true meaning of the holiday. Oct. 31 isn't about parties or elaborate decorations or even jumping out from behind a door wearing a hockey mask and wielding a fake chainsaw just as your wife walks by with a mug of cider (although admittedly, the resulting mayhem and subsequent night spent sleeping in the car nursing the mug-shaped lump on the side of your head is almost worth it).

No, as any kid will tell you, Halloween is about candy and scoring as much of it as humanly (or inhumanly) possible. Everything else is just icing on the ghost-shaped cookie. To this end, I've devised a few strategies for optimizing acquisition. After all, your little pirate may be the one collecting the loot, but we all know who will be raiding the treasure chest.

Tip No. 1: It's all about attitude. The biggest mistake parents make is viewing those precious hours of candy harvesting as an opportunity for fun and games. This results in a lackadaisical approach that can reduce candy hauls by as much as 35 percent*.

To avoid this, trick-or-treating should be regarded as a paramilitary operation. How else to view a night spent in camouflage, roving from house to house in goon squads, pounding on doors and delivering threats that noncompliance with treat demands will result in a variety of tricks, feet-smelling being only the beginning.

Logistics should be planned weeks in advance, including scouting for prime staging areas and extraction points if overextended bladders need emergency evacs.

Tip No. 2: Stay focused. Many homeowners will attempt to distract you with fake skeletons, paper witches and plastic gravestones. This is a transparent ploy to slow you down long enough for them to escape out the back door once the candy bowl has been depleted. Remember, it's the early bird that gets the gummy worm.

Tip No. 3: Bring multiple costumes. That way your kids can circle the block, change getups and hit the house giving out king-sized Kit Kats and Hershey bars a good half-dozen times before drawing suspicion.

Tip No. 4: Conversely, avoid any house with a "Proud member of the American Dental Association" decal in the window or a "GO-VEGAN" vanity plate on the car in the driveway. Unless, of course, you really want toothbrushes and homemade trail mix. Sure they're good for you, but healthy alternatives to near-lethal doses of high-fructose corn syrup and demineralized whey powder contradict all that makes this holiday so special.

Plus, no father in his right mind is going to risk the contempt and scorn of his family by rifling through a goody bag at 2 a.m. just for a handful of dental floss.

Now if that floss happens to be wrapped around a Zagnut bar …

*According to the Pumpkin Bucket Manufacturers of America

Share this:

Loading Comments...

Email Print

ADVERTISEMENT