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Don't let emotional vampires drive you batty

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That rundown feeling could be the result of the constant nagging from the narcissist or controller in your office.

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By KIM FRANKE-FOLSTAD | The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 29, 2009

It makes sense that teenagers are mostly responsible for the current vampire vogue. All they see in movies and on TV is the mystery and romance, the heartbreaking conflict of loving a damaged demon.

But adults?

Surely we know better. In reality, few of us would choose to put up with a vampire's troubling behavior for more than a week or two, much less eternity.

Of course, we don't always get to pick who we spend our time with.

We may not like it, but many of us deal daily with energy-draining co-workers, friends, neighbors and family members.

Psychiatrist Judith Orloff calls these people "emotional vampires," because they can suck the optimism right out of you with their moodiness, neediness and negativity.

They might not leave bite marks, but they'll squeeze you dry just the same, says Orloff, whose new book, "Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life" (Harmony Books, $24.95), offers tips for identifying and surviving encounters with emotional vampires.

"You just don't feel good around them, but you don't know why," Orloff says. Your eyelids will get heavy, and you'll feel like taking a nap, your mood takes a nosedive or you'll want to binge on comfort food.

Who are these fiends, and how can you recognize them before it's too late?

Orloff breaks them down into five types, each with his or her own talent for disabling you:

The Narcissist is grandiose, self-important, attention-hogging and hungry for admiration. He is often charming and intelligent — until his guru status is threatened.

The Victim thinks the world is against him and demands that others rescue him.

The Controller has an opinion about everything, thinks she knows what's best for you, has a rigid sense of right and wrong, and needs to dominate.

The Criticizer feels qualified to judge you, belittle you and bolster his ego by making you feel small and ashamed.

The Splitter may treat you like his BFF one day and then mercilessly attack you the next day when he feels wronged. He is often a threatening rageaholic who revels in keeping others on an emotional rollercoaster.

Anyone sound familiar?

The narcissist is probably the most dangerous, Orloff says. He can be so seductive. And once you're under his spell, he can be cold, withholding, even punishing. Everything has to be framed in a way that will serve him.

"There's no empathy. It's like something's missing in them," she says.

The victim is less menacing but more common. She'll go on and on about how her mother just doesn't understand her, or how her girlfriend treated her wrong, or how her boss picks on her every day. "It's not a crisis," Orloff says. "She just wants you to listen. But it exhausts you, and you start dodging her calls."

Just as movie vampires can't see themselves in a mirror, most emotional vampires don't recognize their own bad behavior, so it's up to the person who wants it to stop to make changes, set some kind but firm boundaries and "use no as a complete sentence."

The stake in the heart for an emotional vampire is to not let him or her push your buttons, Orloff says. "What they want is for you to react. They feed off that reaction."

Low self-esteem, depression, timidity or an addiction to people-pleasing only makes you more vulnerable.

People are so afraid of offending others, they'll let the vampire's bad behavior go on and on, but there's a price to pay for letting them get to you, Orloff says. "It grates at your system, risking your health and happiness."

Taking back your life is all about baby steps. The more you practice, the stronger you get. Don't panic. Take a deep breath and don't go for the bait. Then set some limits while communicating clearly, firmly and with a neutral tone.

Once you figure out how to combat them, emotional vampires are pretty predictable, Orloff says. They are "driven by insecurity and weakness, infirmities that impede goodwill."

That doesn't excuse their monstrous behavior, though. And to be a true slayer, she warns, you'll have to stay vigilant.

Day and night.

Defend yourself against emotional vampires

Without the right self-defense strategies, victims of emotional vampires can develop unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, including overeating, fatigue, anger and depression. Here are Orloff's tips for fighting your particular demon.

The Narcissist: Enjoy his good qualities, but keep your expectations realistic. Because his motto is "me first," getting angry or stating your needs won't faze him. To get his cooperation, show how your request satisfies his self-interest.

The Victim: This vampire doesn't really want your help, he wants you to listen and sympathize. Don't be his therapist or tell him to buck up. Limit your interactions and don't get involved in his self-pity. Set limits. Say, "I love you, but I'm only going to talk on this subject for three minutes."

The Controller: Never try to control a controller. Speak up and be confident, but don't tell her what to do. Don't get caught up in bickering over the small stuff. Assert your needs, and then agree to disagree.

The Criticizer: Don't take what he says personally and don't get defensive. If the comment is off-base, keep moving. Express appreciation for what's useful. Bounce back with a massive dose of loving-kindness. Try making some subjects (personal appearance, children) off limits.

The Splitter: Establish boundaries and be solution-oriented. Avoid skirmishes, refuse to take sides and avoid eye contact when he's raging at you. Tell the person, "I'm leaving until you get calmer. Then we can talk." If you can't leave, visualize a protective shield around you; you hear the vitriol, but it slides off instead of going deep.

Are you an emotional vampire?

Let's face it: We all have times when we behave badly – especially when we're feeling stressed. Do you recognize any of these draining behaviors in yourself?

People avoid you or glaze over during a conversation.

You're self-obsessed.

You're often negative.

You gossip or bad-mouth people.

You're critical, controlling.

You're in an emotional black hole but won't get help, which strains your relationships.

It's not too late to change! Own up to it and stick a stake in your own bad behavior, Orloff says. And don't be afraid to seek assistance if you're stumped on how to stop.

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