Holidays without the weight gain

It's that time of year again, when temperatures dip into the low 80s and we get a break from humidity for about 20 minutes each morning.

Looking at my family, the signs are everywhere. Dad puts away his fishing gear and breaks out the train set. For about a month, he will slowly put together his Old Time Village, a happy place where the men all vote Republican and everyone is allowed to smoke. Mom puts up decorations we made when Ford was president. Husband turns up the air conditioner and bribes our kids to sneeze every time I try to open a window. I find myself shopping aimlessly, avoiding people who would sell their own kids for a new Kinect.

Yes, even with the lack of winter weather, we can tell the holidays are here. Loved ones gather for feasts and parties, sipping eggnog and singing songs, and by mid-January we're all 10 pounds heavier and ready to choke the entire family.

Overeating isn't about holiday cheer; it's about dealing with judgmental Aunt Edna. When she wonders out loud about your divorce, for the third year in a row, it is no secret that only pumpkin cheesecake makes you feel better.

Before Thanksgiving hits, our intentions are always good, aren't they? We are teaching our kids the importance of family. Children learn that loved ones mean more than the wrinkles or breakdowns they cause. But believe it or not, there are better ways than gaining weight to deal with opinionated in-laws.

Besides, double chins only give people more to talk about.

Limit your alcohol intake. We eat more when cocktails are served. We also are more likely to tell Cousin Marie exactly what we think of her bright green wallpaper and Glenn Beck books.

Catch up on sleep. If you are traveling out of town, be a good guest. Go to bed early, sleep in and take at least one nap during the day. You will feel better and you won't have to suffer through your mom and her sister fighting over who peels potatoes the right way.

Break into your husband's Facebook account and print out a picture of his hot ex-girlfriend. Yes, the one in the bikini who doesn't have kids or hips. The one who LOLs and OMGs all over the place. Put her picture on the refrigerator and in front of your treadmill. That will keep your butt moving and your mouth closed until way past Valentine's Day.

Take one for the team. Drink eggnog straight out of the carton or maybe floss your teeth in the living room. These pranks are harmless but horrifying to older family members. They will yell and insist you were "raised better than that," completely distracted from your 14-year-old's nose ring. Someday she will thank you.

Laugh. It is better than crying and burns more calories.

Write down everything. This is great reading material after the wounds heal, while you avoid everyone for the next 12 months.

Happy holidays!