Sugar Plum Poetry

Roger Allen became a published poet at age 12 after a Utah paper printed his ode to family dysfunction. Thirty years ago, another batch of verse he penned, about traffic congestion, found its way into a Lexington, Ky., newspaper.

Now 63 and working as a case manager and counselor for Hillsborough County's drug court program, Allen has achieved a poetry hat trick by winning the Tribune's 2009 Fruitcake Haiku Contest.

Contest judge Rose Levy Beranbaum was impressed by his haiku. The New York City-based cookbook author and baking expert described Allen's poem as "imaginative," "metaphorical" and "wonderfully weird."

Allen's reply when told of his victory: "That's great!"

For years, "I totally hated fruitcake, the stuff you buy in the store," he says. "You know, the stuff that's only good for throwing through windows."

Then, 15 years ago, a friend's mother made him a fruitcake that changed his outlook.

"She bakes them entirely differently than what you buy in the store, and they're delicious," Allen says.

So is the sweet taste of fruitcake haiku victory.

Allen's poem beat out more than 200 poems for the top spot to win an autographed copy of Beranbaum's new baking book, "Rose's Heavenly Cakes." Amazon named it one of its top food books for the year.

John Kraft of Atlanta and Cecilia Boyce of Odessa took second and third places, respectively.

Entries for the haiku contest came from far and wide (Thank you, Mr. Internet!). We received poems from Greensboro, N.C.; Tucker, Ga.; Gurnee, Ill.; and Chesapeake, Va.

The distance winner was Tanja Cilia, who lives with her husband and three children in the Mediterranean on the island Republic of Malta. Tanja is a newspaper columnist and feature writer who writes poetry to help her relax. Her entry:

So sticky and sweet
Nuts, dried fruit and honey too
Finger-licking good!

Nice job, Tanja. It mixes a bit of fruitcake with the tagline of KFC.

We also liked the poems submitted by Phyllis Houser of Riverview, including:

Silent and deadly --
Weapons of mass destruction.
Fruitcakes wreak havoc!

Silent but deadly. Are you sure we're talking about fruitcake, Phyllis?

The haiku submitted by Dennis Hilby of Beavercreek, Ohio, showed a pragmatic streak.

A gift from a friend,
The fruitcake under the tree,
I must find new friends.

Others, such as Amy Nitz of Tampa, who says she makes Mrs. Harvey's Fruitcake every year, felt the need to share personal information:

Though I love it so,
I'm allergic to fruitcake;
It makes my thighs swell

We're sure your thighs are plenty swell, Amy, but that's no reason to brag.

Wait. Just re-read that poem. Allergy. Got it.

Our bad.

We got a stack of great haiku poems from English students taught by Rachel D. Dutch at Bloomingdale High School. Including:

They bring Christmas frowns
So now throw them on the ground
Make a Christmas sound

Tim Horst

How I love fruitcake
The way it makes my teeth bleed
I cry tears of joy!

Alex LaBree

You might want to check that fruitcake for glass, Alex. And see a dentist.

Dutch tried her hand as well:

Virginia Woolf
Used rocks to help her to drown
Where was the fruitcake?

We loved the literary reference. And we're not saying that because Dutch teaches someone with the last name Houck and holds his immediate academic future in her hands. Not at all. Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? Not us.

Speaking of literary terms, Joseph H. Villenueve of Tampa anthropomorphized his fruitcake:

My faceless lady,
Eyes of green and lips of red.
Fruitcake is your name.

Three words, Joe: eHarmony. Dot. Com.

Suzanne Stone of Lake Placid submitted 13 poems, including this Sinatra-laced haiku:

Start spreadin' the news
The Old Fruitcake's back in town
Want a part of it?

Ol' Blue Eyes would have been proud, Suzanne.

Lastly, we applaud Amy Butler of Tampa, who sent us a limerick as well:

There once was a lady from Tampa,
Who sent a fruitcake to grandpa
It was sent through the years,
and caused lots of tears.
I hear it even hurt Santa.

2009 FRUITCAKE HAIKU WINNERS

First place

Fruitcake fairy dance
Tchaikovsky spins in casket
Nutcracker breaks jaw

Roger Allen
Tampa

Beranbaum's comments: Allen's winning haiku was "imaginative. It was metaphoric. It had me wondering, 'What do you think he meant by this or that?' And it was so wonderfully weird, to put it in a nutshell. You could picture all the fruitcakes dancing in a ballet. Plus, I was a toy soldier in the second-year production of George Balanchine's 'Nutcracker Suite' when I was 11 years old, so I could identify."

Second place

Poor, maligned fruitcake/
Rebrand: Nutty-Fruit Delight
People would love it.

John Kraft
Atlanta

Third place

"Why the French Peasants Really Revolted - A Historical Haiku"

The textbooks are wrong;
Louis' blond bride really cried,
"Let them eat fruitcake!"

Cecilia Boyce
Odessa

Honorable mention

Fourth wise man sent home
Tried to bring a gift fruitcake
To the manger scene

Mary Ellen Ahrens
Greensboro, N.C.

Rest of the Best

Look a Reindeer loaf!
Grass doesn't appreciate
Grandmom's recipe

Renae Kinsey
Redington Shores

A fruitcake is like
The little drummer bunny;
It just lasts and lasts

Norman A. Cukras
Sebring

Don't waste good bourbon
Pouring it on the fruitcake.
I'd rather drink mine.

Nancy M. Hester
Tucker, Ga.

New menu item.
Fruitcake for school lunch. Watch out!
Could cause a food fight!

Sandi Behrens
Hollywood

Fruitcake recycled:
Free-weight, book end, doorstop, brick,
Anchor, foot stool, log

Elizabeth Cover
Hudson

Fruitcake for Christmas ...
My question for Santa is:
Will a fruitcake flush?

Linda Sherry
Clearwater

Yuletide cheer is here
A fruitcake for a sweet tooth;
It's recession proof

Virginia N. Rhoades
St. Petersburg

A Fruitcake can be
Unwelcome and full of nuts,
Like reindeer droppings.

Suzanne Stone
Lake Placid

Let's give peace a chance.
Fruitcake to our enemies.
Make pastry not war.

Tammy DiCaprio
Chesapeake, Va.

"Pee-Wee's Playhouse" is
My favorite Christmas special.
He thinks fruitcake's gross

Madeline Weiland
Gurnee, Ill.

Three really wise men
Chose not to eat the fruitcake.
Everyone else sick.

Toby Srebnik
North Lauderdale

Fruitcake is winter.
Nutty, sweet, holiday - wait
My doorstop always

Stephanie Steele
Clearwater

To write a haiku
Would take away precious time
While I bake fruitcake.

Elizabeth Gomez
Valrico