How to enjoy a colposcopy (without really trying)

After your gynecologist diagnoses you with an abnormal pap smear and schedules a colposcopy, you might be scared. But, despite fears both realistic and irrational, there are ways to enjoy the experience.

Come on - cold fingers, cold instruments and one rather large telescope - what's not to like?

Oh, wait. They aren't dimming the lights or strategically placing that telescope just so? Color me embarrassed. Maybe "enjoy" is a bit of an exaggeration.

Still, it doesn't have to be as bad you might imagine.

If you get a call from your doctor saying they have to take a closer look, here's how to get through a colposcopy without unraveling psychologically.

Try not to imagine the worst. If you are sitting at the bar with a drink in your hand making eyes at a man who looks like Bradley Cooper while he makes his way toward you, anticipation rocks. If you're driving to the doctor so he can snip off sections of your cervix to determine if you have cancer? Not so much.

I drove to my gynecologist's office one Monday in September feeling a measure of nervousness and nausea I hadn't felt since the early 1980s when I wore parachute pants for the first time.

While fighting downtown traffic and the demons in my head, I had no idea what to expect. And that was the worst part.

However, like giving blood, or advice to in-laws, nothing is ever as bad as we think it's going to be. A Brazilian wax, childbirth and reading a "Twilight" book all hurt more than a colposcopy. Relax.

Take a stress ball just in case. The stress ball your son squeezes when you make him use a dictionary definitely comes in handy at times like this.

You also want to breathe and relax your muscles. Stop clenching.

Cramping is normal and has nothing to do with your physician making small talk. I love my doctor. He's been my gynecologist since 1989, and we've been through a lot together. Now we were clearly facing the most serious issue to date.

Still, he's going to talk about the political climate in third world countries because that situation is crazy no matter what's happening.

Maybe conversation relaxes him? I don't know.

"Am I supposed to be cramping?" I asked.

"Oh, yes," he said. "That's completely normal."

I asked him to explain. He understands my need to know, so the next five minutes were spent fulfilling just that.

At least some part of my body still works properly. And we didn't have time to get into Communism. Whew.

Don't forget the comment card. When they ask for suggestions, don't hold back. Tell the truth - you want an open bar. The entire event would have been much more enjoyable with a cocktail.

You will be sore afterward. In less than 15 minutes, the procedure is done, and your innards will be sent off to the lab. Take it easy for a few hours.

At first, every time I laughed, I thought some part of me would fall out. Then I popped some Tylenol and felt good as new.

But remember, you aren't good as new. You will refrain from intimate fun and frolic for at least a week. Tell Mr. Romance to stifle it.

Psychologically, it may take longer. The fear of cervical cancer might make us laugh nervously or cough uncomfortably. Some might even shed a tear or two. Don't be afraid to want hugs and kisses more than anything else - at least until the results of the colposcopy come back.