Immunize me, please, against the unimmunized

Aren't new parents funny?

They finally get their beautiful and fresh-smelling bundle of joy to sleep, go online to brag about Apgar scores, and advocate some of the most bizarre and mind-baffling ideas since the womb song.

Oh, I remember some of my own bizarre ideas about how my boys would be raised.

Once I declared my house Kosher and made Catholic relatives eat oyster stew out of paper bowls when they borrowed my house for a Christmas Eve meal. Not only did I embarrass myself, I got kicked out of three wills.

But I never invaded my children's personal space by blowing in their ears and trying to get them to urinate in a potty at 3 months of age. I never thought it was appropriate to nurse my children once their teeth came in. And I never let them listen to The Wiggles.

But even those crazy ideas pale in comparison to the latest trend - forgoing immunizations.

When I first heard this idea, I realized it wasn't new. However, the movement against immunizations is gaining popularity. I'm friends with one such family and recently used my investigative skills to get to the bottom of this trend. I often leave the house without concealer; so who am I to judge? I took the tactful approach and hoped to understand.

"Have you been following Jenny McCarthy?" I asked.

"Not at all," both the mom and dad assured me.

"Good," I said. "If you want to know how to sculpt eyebrows, Jenny's your girl. But don't go to her for medical advice."

"No," the granola-eating mom said, "We get our information from the Internet."

The same forum that gave us Matt Drudge and Justin Bieber. Fantastic.

"My wife and I are concerned," the new father told me. "Didn't you research this issue when your boys were babies?"

"I did do a ton of research," I replied. "On doctors. Once I found the best pediatrician, I decided I should listen to her. Even if she did advise me to make my own organic baby food. She is the one with the degree, after all."

"Our baby isn't sexually active," the mom said. "So we don't have to worry about hepatitis B right now. Why get her immunized? Maybe when she's in college."

"Look, I'm no scientist, but I think you're mistaking hep B with hep C," I said.

They both shrugged. Like I needed further proof that when a Nine Inch Nails roadie breeds with a vegan from San Francisco, the world will never be the same again.

"Instead of having one foot in each world," I suggested, "why not just grab your guitar and hemp plants and move right to a clothing-optional commune in Vermont? Quarantine yourselves and then get sick together."

I couldn't get them out of the house fast enough. I scour hotel rooms for bed bugs and keep a distance of at least five feet from anyone who coughs. Friends who have pets with scabies aren't even allowed to pull into my driveway. Call me an overreacting germaphobe with control issues (my mom does), but I'm uncomfortable being around little petri dishes.

No matter how cute they look in a onesie.