Stop looking for excuses to hold a party

Whatever happened to just hanging out? I remember when three friends, a keg, and cable television meant one heck of a party. Nowadays, social gatherings are too often themed and weird.

Some themes are OK. For every Pampered Chef or smelly candle gathering, there is a Passion Party where I learn about love toys. It's like watching NBC. We tolerate "Whitney" in order to enjoy "30 Rock."

I'm afraid that some themes are beginning to sound ridiculous, including but not limited to: menopause parties.

When I heard about this new activity for ladies who lament, I made the same face I make when biting into a grapefruit. My Aunt Mimi put that facial expression into words, "A menopause party? Sounds like getting stoned to death with popcorn."

Maybe you're like me and believe once we hit our 40s, between peri, the real deal, and post, every day is a menopause party.

The woman responsible for this trend goes by only one initial, E, so we don't even really know who to blame. E calls them Shmirshky parties and wrote a book called "The pursuit of hormone happiness." What is a shmirshky? E's pet name for down there. The cover art features curls in the form of a triangle, and her son co-authored the tome.

I don't know whether to applaud her nerve or throw up a little in my mouth.

Apparently the party consists of getting together with friends who are between 30 and 50 and talking about all the exciting events that arrive with middle age. Nothing gets me in a party mood like discussing hot flashes, heartburn and legs that resemble a highway map.

I have nothing against gathering with friends and laughing about how a few years ago we had to carry a sweater with us at all times and now we need ice under our armpits to get through Shul, but an entire evening devoted to dry skin sounds depressing.

Maybe as bad as a weaning party.

"What's a weaning party," you ask?

This is when women, and their children, celebrate the end of breastfeeding. When my twins were done nursing, I celebrated with garlic spaghetti and some Chianti. Most of my friends weaned their babies at a year old, with little or no fanfare. These days, weaning parties are for kids who stop breastfeeding right around the time they're applying to colleges.

The argument is that weaning parties go back centuries, to the time when Abraham celebrated his son's parting from the breast. Do we really want to use my religion's founders as justification for any event in this century?

We don't need such excuses to have fun with friends.

I think I'll stick to my keg of beer and cable television. Is there anything good on tonight?