Imagine 'No Player Left Behind'

Column

I don't know if you noticed in between all those commercials Sunday that they played a football game, the last game of the season.

And once again someone won, just because they had better players. It all seems so unfair.

Van Young, who spends half the year in Sebring with wife, Jean, noticed that, too. He sent me an email saying, "My daughter teaches high school math in Elkhart, Indiana (I taught English there for a hundred years or so) and she has been disgruntled about what is happening to public education … and finds most of the 'cures' to be ridiculous. She sent me the following …"

I've seen what Van sent over before and like it. It is a set of rules football players would have to follow if they ran the football programs like the rest of the school system operates:

"1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all must win the state championship. If a team does not win the championship they will be on probation until they do and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship, their footballs and equipment will be taken away until they do.

2. All players will be expected to have the same football skills even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. No exceptions will be made for disabilities, lack of interest or their parents.

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is so the coaches can use all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the third, eighth and eleventh game.

5. It will create a New Age of Sport where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no player gets ahead, then no player gets left behind.

6. If parents don't like these new rules then they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support schools that can screen out non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players."

Dan Duel suggests we should "Send the meat to the cat food company. The money is in the skins. Python leather boots sell for over $500 a pair and are known for their comfort because they are so soft."

I suppose, so as long as they don't squeeze too tightly.