Facebook adds fuel to flames of divorce

If eHarmony is the Web site bringing lovebirds to the threshold of marriage, Facebook is the one showing up for the divorce.

The world's most popular social media site is revolutionizing divorce, pouring toxin into virtually every stage of a collapsing marriage.

Rekindling old flames into blazing affairs. Exposing the "Exhibit A" that divorce lawyers wave in the courtroom. Providing a global stage for feuding spouses to torch each other's reputations in multimedia splendor.

Take, for instance, the Tampa wife who videotaped fights with her husband (camera in one hand, accusing finger in the other) to post on Facebook. A child psychologist called it "like a reality TV show."

Or the Tampa husband with a Facebook fixation, who posted minute-by-minute updates about his frustrations with parenting. His wife's attorneys gleefully used the online confessions against him in court.

Facebook is "like gasoline on the fire," said Chris Ragano, a Tampa lawyer who says Facebook turns up in more than half of new cases each month. Now, he orders new clients to cancel their Facebook accounts on Day One of his retainer - but not before using the account to collect evidence against the other side.

"One side posts something nasty and the other can't help but retaliate, and we're off to the races," Ragano said. "It's World War III."

At the first stages of a marriage going wrong, Facebook seems to be there.

Tampa family lawyer Alex Caballero says spouses on the verge of a breakup used to mingle only within their current social circle. But Facebook's aggressive push to network broadens the user's options.

An alumni group from college sends a "friend request" encouraging a user to join, which prompts them to scan current photos of old flames, which leads to wayward thoughts.

"If people are already on the brink," Caballero said, "they see those things and think 'Well, maybe I do want a divorce.'"

More than 80 percent of lawyers surveyed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers said Facebook is showing up in more divorce cases. Sixty-six percent called Facebook the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence, followed by MySpace (15 percent) and Twitter (5 percent).

And the post-versus-post culture will likely grow more common as generations who grew up loving Facebook enter a cycle of marriage and divorce.

A rich source of evidence

Once one side files divorce papers, the Facebook race kicks into high gear.

In the past, lawyers would laboriously gather unflattering evidence against the opposing side through private detectives, credit card statements or phone records.

"Now, Facebook makes it so easy," Ragano said. There's almost too much evidence to sort through. The challenge is hitting "print" quickly enough on a rival's Facebook page.

Because most Facebook pages are open for anyone to post comments, they are sitting ducks for angry spouses itching to vent. Even otherwise professional or rational clients can lose control.

On a recent afternoon, Ragano walked the hall of his Tampa office on his cell phone, imploring a female client to close her Facebook account. She was involved in a dispute with another woman over a man.

Lawyers on the opposing side claimed Ragano's client was threatening to expose embarrassing medical secrets about her rival on Facebook, and even started fake online accounts to continue the taunting.

A court later issued a restraining order, but Ragano worried that his client would break it. Such things can violate felony cyber-stalking laws.

Posting fever

Several Tampa lawyers said angry spouses can't resist the urge to stay on Facebook, despite the risks.

After years of posting updates and photos and making connections, people's Facebook profile pages become part of their identity.

When a spouse attacks another's Facebook page, or a new boyfriend or girlfriend touts a new romance, it's hard to resist returning fire. Especially when relatives, close friends or co-workers are still linked to these pages as "friends."

Longtime Tampa divorce lawyer Stann Givens notes a recent case in which a young man posted "everything he thinks" on Facebook, he said.

"If he's upset with his wife, he posts it," Givens said. "If something happens with the kids he can't handle, he posts how frustrated he is. If you go to court, and there's a custody battle, it's very easy for a lawyer to tell the judge 'Look at what kind of person this is.'"

Lawyer Michael Lundy notes a case in which a mother won broad child custody, then went out drinking to celebrate. The night ended with someone in her party getting arrested for drunken driving.

The next day, "she went and posted a bunch of pictures of herself in provocative poses," he said, "and captioned them with things like 'Precursor to a DUI?'"

"We had color copies made and used them at trial as an example of irresponsibility," he said.

Bring on the counselor

Children aren't exempt from the online feuds.

Frequently, courts will appoint a third-party counselor to evaluate children amid a divorce.

Psychologist Kathryn Kuehnle said parents regularly forward e-mail, posts and Facebook material to her - anything potentially embarrassing. That includes videotapes of spousal screaming matches.

Parents often use Facebook to monitor kids during a weekend with the other parent.

Kuehnle says she doesn't fixate on Facebook, but it is one factor. For instance, she may research a child's Facebook page for signs of problems with drugs or alcohol.

"Are the parents concerned, or is this something new to them?" Kuehnle asked. "They may not realize the kids are sneaking out the window at night, or their new boyfriend has a Web page with pictures of them drinking."

Some judges in Tampa try to throw a wet blanket on the Facebook warfare.

In Florida, judges decide divorce cases, so there are no juries to sway with scandalous photos. Florida law is heavily focused on moving forward, and encourages shared custody.

Still, Circuit Judge Steven Scott Stephens, who presides over many cases in Hillsborough County, said fighting spouses dig up everything they can on Facebook that they think looks incriminating.

"But that kind of stuff is not that big a deal in court," Stephens said. "It's rarely a determinative factor in a case."

Granted, courts pay close attention to evidence of anything illegal or dangerous to the children. But angry spouses can overreach, and the eager wife who brings in video of a husband drinking in Cancun may, herself, turn out to be worse.

"Those wild photos of people drinking and having fun," Stephens said, "that's where the baby came from in the first place."