Her heart is set on it

Column

The received truth regarding foxholes and atheists has a holiday allegory that we all are bumping up against this weekend: In the trench warfare that is Valentine's Day, there are no agnostics.

Cupid's arrow slices cleanly. Some folks adore it. Others despise its very mention. The reasons for each position could occupy a team of research sociologists for a century.

Perhaps the fault line separates those who, in elementary school, were pleased with their sacks-full of dime-store Valentine's cards and those whose status was reinforced by the abundance of cards that were torn, smudged, recycled or soiled by grape jelly smears.

Nonetheless, here comes Valentine's Day, barreling down on us like the proverbial freight train bearing invitations to perform retailing mayhem upon the one person we most would like to regard us, well, amorously.

The following is offered, on this eve of Valentine's Day eve as a public service for guys. Specifically: Guys Hoping Not to Blow Yet Another Valentine's Day.

Not that we would presume to speak for what once was described, complimentarily, as the fairer sex. Our thoughts on the matter have been elevated by nearly 50 years of women's liberation and the likelihood of women not merely in, but leading, combat battalions in the near future.

Still, fellows, Valentine's Day is a bridge to that ancient time when, according to lore, women enjoyed being raised above men and our clumsy, sweaty, calloused ways. And for all their frigid denials, there resides within most enlightened modern females trace elements of Elizabeth Bennet open — at least each Feb. 14 — to the intentional wooing of their particular Mr. Darcy.

That, anyway, is the conclusion drawn from research conducted on a recent afternoon at a swanky Land O' Lakes salon and spa and presented with bold assertiveness here.

The various specialists working at J. Joseph Salon & Spa are our source authority, chosen for their devotion to highlighting physical qualities that maximize their clients' attractiveness, a key ingredient in the mating rituals that are the focus of Valentine's Day.

Just to demonstrate how clueless men can be, J. Joseph's 30-year-old neatly trimmed wunderkind owner, Roy Naccour, dismisses flowers, teddy bears and boxes of chocolates as "cliches." Of course, he has chocolate martini pedicures and couple's massages to peddle.

Meanwhile, copper-haired stylist Melanie Andrzejewski (an-drew-SHEF-skee), 32, goes all sparkle-eyed when noting the simple card attached to a bright bouquet of flowers that arrived in the salon just the day before. "That was so smart," she says. "It was perfect."

Her client, Kathy Lowe, nods. Two years ago, when her sergeant-first-class husband was in Iraq, she took a full-on delivery of romantic clichés — balloons, flowers, teddy bear — at work, and nearly swooned on the spot.

Office delivery: check.

Pampering also works. Flowers and such are fine, but it's hard to beat a gift certificate for some sort of spa treatment. Easy enough, right? But doing it right involves burrowing into the smartphone of the one you adore. "Don't just give me the gift certificate," Lowe says. "Schedule the appointment. It's all about the scheduling."

Hmmmm. If you think it's getting complicated, wait. Rosetta Bell, 22, the inspiration behind the chocolate martini-pedicure promotion, endorses "doing something spontaneous." Spur-of-the-moment spontaneous? No planning? "Oh, he better have something planned. Just make it something she wouldn't expect."

How'd the unexpected work out for Justine Fallon, 23, a slender blonde whose arms are a tapestry of tattoo flowers? Only the closest thing to a Valentine's Day nightmare in her memory. They dashed to an al fresco dinner on the Tarpon Springs sponge docks "but it was cold. I mean, February, right?" Then they had to dash through their meals to make their next appointment (something, apparently, not worth divulging). "It was just jumping through a lot of hoops."

"My advice: Don't over-schedule," Fallon says. "Especially if it's your first Valentine's Day together. It sets the bar way too high." She and Mr. Big Event did not make it to Valentine's Day 2, The Low-Key Sequel. "Don't do too much. Simple is better. Make her feel appreciated."

Bottom line, fellows: Being properly trained in the art of Valentine's Day means functioning like a marketing strategist. Know your audience. There's still time to pull this off.

If the women of J. Joseph are right, the potential for reward is enough to wipe out all those awful elementary school memories.