Tiger picks the safest landing spot in Augusta

It is a match made in Amen Corner.

The hell you say!

Tiger Woods, who makes up his own rules, will return to golf at the Masters, the tournament that is a world unto itself.

This assured soft landing is not a shocker, not after watching Woods' preposterously sanitized no-questions-allowed comeback statement. I'm still stuck on what Tiger said that day about never using performance-enhancing drugs - I'm still wondering what kind of performance he was talking about.

Yowza!

Back to the Masters.

Augusta National Golf Club practically invented the controlled environment.

The Masters is the place where controversy goes to die. Martha Burk really never had a chance. Augusta National, at least when it comes to membership, remains a chick-free zone, which actually might help with Tiger back in the hunt. You know, distractions to a minimum.

At the Masters, there are not crowds, but "galleries." At the Masters, seldom is heard a discouraging word. Trash does not exist at the Masters. I mean, this is the tournament where the dogwoods stand at attention and azaleas are trained to bloom at just the right time.

Heckling never happens. Hardly anything happens at the Masters that the Masters doesn't want to happen. Those uptight green jackets lay down the law. Think media aren't going to be held upside down to see if any TMZ questions fall out? Think any "patron" would dare say something to Tiger? What, and lose a Masters badge!

There will be no circus inside Augusta.

No one gets under the ropes.

In other words, this should be outrageously obsequious and disgusting.

Part of me wishes Tiger was forced to return before a tougher house, say, boisterous Bethpage - or maybe a Yankees-Red Sox crowd airlifted into St. Andrews, anything but the love-in that waits at Augusta.

I mean, Tiger loses it when a camera clicks on his backswing or someone coughs as he's to putt. His Doberman caddie then does something stupid.

Golfers are so spoiled to begin with. I mean, think of Alex Rodriguez, an unsavory type just like Tiger. When A-Rod came back, he had thousands booing him, screaming in his ears as he tried to decide, in a split second, whether it was a fastball or a curve.

I wish Baby Cakes Woods at least had to stand in there for something like that, just for one round.

But the Masters makes complete sense for Tiger. It's a warm feather bed for the four-time jacket winner, even though he hasn't won at Augusta since 2005. It's everything he needs. His game might give him trouble, but no one else will.

Even his fellow competitors, who deep down must love the shining knight being knocked down a few notches, know Tiger's tide lifts all their boats. They are merely players. Tiger is golf. Even with all that lost face, he remains the face of his game.

He has done his two months in sex-addiction rehabilitation in Mississippi, as if just being in Mississippi wasn't enough.

But I knew Tiger wouldn't be able to turn off his Grand Slam lust. It's so predictable. He wants to be king of the prom ahead of Jack Nicklaus, and each major that goes by is one more opportunity lost.

The U.S. Open is in Pebble Beach this year, and Tiger has won there. The British Open is at St. Andrews, and Tiger has won the last two Opens held there.

But first comes the comeback. And in a place where he'll be treated like a king, even though he has behaved like a snake. Kid gloves will be everywhere.

People will be looking over their shoulders to make sure the Augusta secret police aren't eavesdropping. If Tiger doesn't want to talk, he won't talk, and the green jackets will make everyone move along.

Sooner or later, Tiger will have to come out of hiding, but it won't be here, even if his game makes it back before his reputation does.

Imagine if he actually plays well. It could get truly ridiculous. The Masters controls the vertical and the horizontal when it comes to TV. Think CBS would dare risk Augusta's wrath?

As it is, you know how golf commentators love to gush over the Masters and Masters legends.

The word "courage" always has to be on someone's lips, as if these golfers are working out of the Hurt Locker or something.

Let's get one thing straight - Tiger is not coming off knee surgery, or cancer or a death in his family. Don't treat him as gallant or courageous or anything else. He is returning from being a degenerate husband and father. He made any mess he is trying to overcome.

There's a way back from that, but it won't take place on a golf course or even in an apologetic news conference. The Masters won't really solve anything that truly ails the world's greatest golfer.

But it's the safest stage around.