Will someone fess up on Tebow SEC vote?

Here at SEC football media days, we're three deep in conspiracy theories and one deep at liar. We're thinking of having a coaches cocktail hour where the drink special is truth serum on the rocks.

Eight coaches down, including Nick "Why We Fight" Saban (more on that later), just four to go and we still don't know who went over to the Dark Side and didn't vote Florida's Tim Tebow as preseason first-team All-SEC quarterback.

We feel like locking all of them in a room and denying them food and text messaging until the blackguard confesses. I don't know if waterboarding is an NCAA violation, but it might come to that. This guy's brain belongs in a jar at a medical school, marked "Abby Normal."

Meanwhile, Timmy Tebow smiled.

"It's preseason," he told media. "It just so doesn't matter."

Tebow has won two national titles and one Heisman Trophy. He could win one more of each this season and maybe only become the greatest college football player ever. But he's not unanimous preseason. Somebody decided he isn't even best in conference.

And now back to our Agatha Christie mystery ...

I know what you're thinking: What does it matter? But it sure is fun. You break down Auburn's nonconference schedule. I'll be wriggling my toes in the grassy knoll. Where you at, you lying yellow belly?

Arkansas' Bobby Petrino, Vanderbilt's Bobby Johnson, Mississippi State's Dan Mullen and Kentucky's Rich Brooks have pledged allegiance to the United States of Tebow.

Hey, would you want to be known as the guy who didn't vote for Tim Tebow? It would fall somewhere between The Scarlet Letter and the mark of the pentagram. Vote Huck Finn off the Mississippi, why don't you?

Mullen was never really a suspect. He coached Tebow at Florida and his voice quivered with emotion as he talked about him Wednesday.

"He's one of the most unique people in the world," Mullen said.

What about Brooks?

"How could I not vote for Tim Tebow?"

Johnson?

"I don't know if you're going to find the culprit who didn't vote for Tebow."

Petrino?

"I'm not crazy."

Thursday, four more suspects shuffled in. Well, three. Florida coach Urban Meyer, like the others, can't vote for his own. He gets to laugh at the circus.

Mississippi coach Houston Nutt:

"I just wanted to tell you that I voted for Tim Tebow."

Georgia's Mark Richt: "It was Tim Tebow. It would be very difficult to not vote Tim, but I guess somebody did."

Alabama's Nick Saban said he voted for Tebow. Then, with a fife and drum playing softly in his cranial vault, Saban went mildly insane:

"I also think everybody should have the right to vote for whoever they want, and I don't think people should be criticized for that. It's what a lot of people have fought for in this country for a long time."

Glory, glory, hallelu-

jah ...

I don't know much, but I'm pretty sure no one stormed the Normandy beaches to save SEC coaches, though any schoolkid can tell you Washington crossed the Delaware in the name of the Founding Fathers' first-team All-Colony ballots.

Today, the last four coaches take the stand: South Carolina's Steve Spurrier, LSU's Les Miles, Auburn's Gene Chizik and Tennessee bubble boy Lane Kiffin. Spurrier loves Tebow. Beyond that, I really don't think the guilty party will come clean. He has no shame, he has no honor, he has no dignity. He's just a big old Mr. Poopy Pants.

In truth, I understand why he wouldn't confess.

Would you want to make Tim Tebow mad?

He is a point of light, but his other job is baby-faced assassin. He'll trample three linebackers to get a touchdown, then help a little old lady across the end zone. Tim Tebow is one of the greatest combinations of warm heart and cold blood we've ever seen. It's part of the legend.

Think he wasn't listening when that bird-brain Oklahoma defensive back said Tebow would be the fourth-best quarterback in the Big 12? On title night, Timmy T. Gator chomped them all. It so mattered.

Now this.

"I honestly think it's funny," Tebow said.

I honestly think he still wouldn't mind, just for fun, knowing who that coach is. I honestly think he'd love to play that coach's team this season. Or maybe he'll take it out on the whole conference, starting with Tennessee.

The hits just keep on coming, don't they, Lane?